(theme music playing)
(cheers and applause)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver. Just time-- Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with the pope,
the only person on Earth who can pull off a white cape, Gwyneth.
(laughter) He's the only one.
You look like a photo negative of Darth Vader.
Anyway, the pope was in the United States this week,
speaking before Congress, visiting the UN,
riding through Central Park, going to Philly for no clear reason,
and-- and encountering adoring crowds everywhere.
Man: Thousands greeted Pope Francis as he arrived
in New York yesterday afternoon,
lining the roadways through Manhattan,
waving flags and banners,
raising their cell phones for a picture.
Yes, everywhere he went, it seems people in America
wanted to show the pope their new iPhones.
"Look! Look, look, Holy Father!
"It's the iPhone 6s! I've got it!
"It comes in rose gold, and it has an A9 chip!
"The iPhone 6 only had an A8 chip, Your Holiness!
"Please, touch my phone so the battery may have everlasting life!
(laughter, cheers) "Please, please!"
This-- This was a truly historic trip for the pope,
not least because he was directly responsible for a miracle.
Just watch how his arrival was reported on MSNBC.
(majestic music plays)
Good day. I'm Brian Williams at MSNBC headquarters, here in New York.
Holy shit! He brought Brian Williams back from the dead?
Oh my-- It's a miracle!
Although, you know what?
I will say, hearing Brian Williams report something now
is like reading about it in the New Testament.
I-- I believe a man named Pope Francis exists,
but a lot of the details were probably embellished.
And-- And for a man who has been off the air for so long,
he spent a long time obsessing over one particular detail.
Williams: The magic of that, that face and that smile and his touch...
His sense of touch...
The power of his touch...
The yearning to touch him...
This very tactile pope...
...tactile pope...
Her lips said "I love you" when she met the pope. So tactile.
(laughter, applause)
I think--
I think Brian Williams wants to pet the pope.
(laughter) I think he does.
There is no doubt the pope seems to inspire
strange and powerful reactions wherever he goes,
but the strangest one this week may have come from Congressman Bob Brady.
Man: The democrat watched as the pope addressed
the joint session of Congress Thursday,
and then proceeded to take his unfinished glass of water
once the pontiff left the chamber.
He took a sip before carrying the glass back to his office.
He plans on blessing his grandchildren with the rest of the water.
(laughter)
He drank the pope's water.
I don't mean to be disrespectful,
but I'm pretty sure that is not part of the Catholic faith.
For the record, that is not holy water that you're slopping down
and pouring over your grandchildren.
It is the backwash from an old Argentinian man.
That is what you have there. That is what you have.
Let's-- So let's move on...
Let's move on to the United Kingdom, Europe's America.
All this week the UK has been captivated by revelations
in a new, unauthorized biography of Prime Minister David Cameron.
And if you're thinking, "What about David Cameron
"could possibly be captivating?"
Well, just wait.
Man: There are allegations the young David Cameron
smoked cannabis at Oxford University,
and even that he took part
in a bizarre initiation ceremony
for a dining club involving a pig.
Oh. "Bizarre" is a kind way of describing it,
because the actual allegation is that a dead pig's head
was resting in the lap of a dining club member
and then, and I quote...
Yes. This book actually contains a claim
that David Cameron, Prime Minister of the UK,
once put his dick in a dead pig's mouth.
And look, look, this is just the word of a single source
published in an unauthorized biography.
We do not know if this is true.
But please, please let it be true,
because a prime minister receiving oral copulation
from a dead pig hits the perfect sweet spot
between one of the most horrific things ever
and one of the most amazing things ever.
And again, again, this is based on a single source,
and even the co-author's rationale for including it is a little thin.
We did think about whether we should put it in or not,
and in the end, it made us smile.
(laughter)
I have to say, "We thought about whether to put it in or not,
"but in the end, it made us smile,"
really sounds like something David Cameron would say
after sticking his dick in a dead pig.
If he did. If he did.
Which he definitely did.
I honestly don't want to look into this story too closely
in case it falls apart, but to ignore it
simply because it might not be true
is to look a gift horse in the mouth.
A mouth tenderly wrapped around the thrusting penis
of British Prime Minister David Cameron.
And it's made even better by the fact
that it's almost impossible to discuss this story on television
even though many people have very clearly wanted to.
The lurid allegations that are made in this book,
and we can't explicitly talk about them,
obviously, because of the time of day.
...the pig and what did or didn't happen.
And now they've turned--
Woman: Enough said, I think. Don't you?
Well, I could say a lot more on that.
Enough said.
Do you anticipate many leaving to join the Lib Dems?
Dan: Well, I think you also have this issue
of the prime minister putting his cock
in a dead pig's mouth.
Oh, okay, Dan. Dan, do you know what, mate?
One, it's an allegation.
Two, your choice of language in referring to that
I think far goes beyond what is permitted
at this time of the day.
Okay, but in that caller's defense,
"putting his cock in a dead pig's mouth"
probably is the politest possible way to say it.
Consider the alternatives.
"David Cameron was sucked and fucked by a Christmas ham."
Is that better? Is that better?
"David Cameron received an unenthusiastic blowie from one-third of a BLT."
Do you prefer that? You tell me a delicate way to put this.
I'm not kidding. Go on Twitter right now
and tell the British media a more delicate way to put it, using the hashtag...
Do it. Have it. Have at it, Internet.
And finally-- finally,
let's move on-- let's move on to cars,
the smartest characters in the "Fast & Furious" movies.
This week, German automaker Volkswagen
found itself in the middle of a scandal of potentially criminal proportions.
Volkswagen is bracing for billions in fines,
possible criminal charges for its executives
as the company apologizes for rigging 11 million cars
to help it beat emissions tests.
Man: Certain diesel models were designed
with sophisticated software that used information,
including the position of the steering wheel
and vehicle speed to determine
the car was undergoing emissions testing.
Under that circumstance,
the engine would reduce toxic emissions,
but the car was rigged to bypass that
when it was being driven.
Emissions increased 10 to 40 times
above acceptable EPA levels.
Wow. 10 to 40 times greater than the EPA allows.
"That is the worst thing Volkswagen has ever done"
is something you might say if you'd never heard of World War II.
But maybe the surest sign
of how much trouble Volkswagen is in
is that people at the very top have stepped down.
The CEO resigned on Wednesday after scrambling to do damage control,
saying he was "endlessly sorry,"
which sounded great until it turned out
he was only 10% sorry but had rigged his mouth
to artificially inflate his sorriness.
And meanwhile, Volkswagen's US chief had an apology of his own.
Let's be clear about this.
Our company was dishonest.
And in my German words, "We have totally screwed up."
Yeah, but "totally screwed up" are not German words.
And the German language has many beautiful phrases
to describe situations just like this, such as...
(speaks German)
...which means, roughly, "the sadness that comes from business-related lies."
Or...
...which translates as shaming one's father, involving clouds of gasoline.
It's a beautiful language. It just sails off the tongue.
And by he way, while that man's apology may have sounded sincere,
it's worth noting he was speaking at an official launch party
for the 2016 Volkswagen Passat,
meaning that shortly after saying sorry, he said this.
Thank you very much for coming.
Enjoy the evening. Up next is Lenny Kravitz!
(singing)
Okay, okay, ending your apology with "Up next, Lenny Kravitz,"
does not scream "sober contrition."
It screams "We asked Bon Jovi, and he said no."
Volkswagen's brand has been badly damaged,
and frankly, their new ad campaign is not exactly helping.
Announcer: Guten Tag. We at Volkswagen would like to apologize
for deceiving you with our vehicles,
which is why the 2015 Jetta now comes fully loaded
with new, not-at-all-fraudulent features
such as golden brakes,
the ability to feel human emotions
and a stylish interior
made of 100% ravens' beaks and pterodactyl skin.
Plus, in a brand-new feature,
if you drive a Jetta off the side of the Golden Gate Bridge,
you will not die. That's a Volkswagen guarantee.
And if it's speed you're looking for,
the 2015 Jetta contains a powerful 2.0 liter
TDI clean diesel engine that will suck your dick.
You heard me right.
The Jetta will bring your engorged genitals
to a shattering climax.
Also-- and we really mean it this time--
the Jetta is very good for the environment
And even if it isn't, remember-- it sucks your dick.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Lenny Kravitz.
* I want to get away, I want to get away *
Yeah! Announcer: Volkswagen.
Moving on. Moving on. Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns Europe.
You know, that thing Belgium is in.
If you've watched the news at all lately,
you cannot have missed what has been happening there.
Europe's migrant crisis is getting worse by the day.
A migrant crisis spiraling out of control.
Man: Hundreds of thousands of asylum seekers are risking everything.
Woman: A human wave washing up over Europe's southern shores.
Man 2: Hundreds of thousands of migrants have streamed into Europe,
the largest influx there since the end of World War II.
Wow. The largest since the end of World War II,
and remember, millions of people back then
were searching both for a better life
and for the booth where it was rumored you could slap dead Hitler.
And look, the scale of this story
can be hard to get your head around.
Hundreds of thousands of people are on the move just within Europe,
and another four million are being hosted in Turkey, Lebanon, and Jordan.
And when numbers get that high,
they can be hard to comprehend.
It's like when someone tells you the size
of the audience of "NCIS: New Orleans."
17 million people? How's that even possible?
How many navy-based crimes could there possibly be in New Orleans?
This doesn't make any sense!
And when you are dealing with a mass of people that large,
you really want to be a little careful with how you describe them.
Unfortunately, David Cameron,
noted alleged swine-fellatio enthusiast,
recently referred to...
And that language matters, because a swarm of anything
sounds terrifying, no matter what it is.
If I hear there are a lot of kittens coming my way,
I'm going to be delighted.
But if I hear there is a swarm of kittens approaching,
I'm grabbing a shotgun, and I'm getting to high ground,
'cause I'm not going to let those furry fuckers take me alive.
And here...
And... And here in the US,
some in the media have chosen to reduce
the migrant population to one simple stereotype.
A new video surfaces online
showing why some are worried
Europe is opening its doors
to potential terrorists.
Allahu Akbar!
Crowd: Allahu Akbar!
Allahu Akbar!
Crowd: Allahu Akbar!
Woman: Those are reportedly Muslim refugees
on a train in Europe
chanting "Allah Akbar," or "God is great."
Now, to be clear, we're not saying that any of those people are terrorists
or are in any way affiliated with a terror group,
but it does highlight just how many of these refugees
who are fleeing violence in Iraq and Syria
are Muslim.
Okay. Okay. First,
you don't get to claim that you're not calling those people terrorists
when your lower third says, "Terrorists inbound?"
If you're really not saying they're terrorists,
maybe change that to something more accurate, like, "People take train."
Or "Some wear hats, others less so."
And second, describing that as a new video
that sheds light on the migrant crisis is a little misleading,
because in researching this story, we found a version of that same video
uploaded onto YouTube back in 2010,
well before this migrant crisis even began.
And if you are going to use misleading old footage
to try and make people frightened of Muslims, why stop there?
Just go the whole way and use a clip from "True Lies."
Woman: Now, to be clear, we're not saying that
any of those people are terrorists
or are in any way affiliated with a terror group,
but it does highlight just how many of these refugees
who are fleeing violence in Iraq and Syria are Muslim.
That's-- That's only about 10% more racist than what you did.
So, let's just take a step back,
because for the record, these people are coming from many different countries
and fleeing everything from civil war to economic stagnation.
And while each story is unique, many of them are heartbreaking.
Man: Noujain is 16 and from Kobani in Syria,
disabled from birth, she cannot walk,
and made the dangerous crossing from Turkey last week.
I've been trying many things
for the first time during this journey,
like a train and a ship.
So... I just enjoyed it. I didn't--
You enjoyed it? Yeah.
You're the first person I've met who said that.
But to understand why, you must know the world she escaped from.
Imagine you're 16 and you're always
afraid to be dead at any minute.
What is your dream?
I have to be an astronaut, to go out and see
and find an alien. Yes. (both laugh)
So... I want to meet the queen.
(laughs) Yes.
Oh, I think that girl absolutely deserves to meet an alien and the queen,
and also, if she has time, a real human with feelings.
But unfortunately for Noujain
and so many like her, Europe has yet to create
an effective system to process this influx of people.
Every country has a different application process,
and some are totally overwhelmed and underfunded.
We actually got our hands on a couple of registration forms
that were given to refugees upon arrival.
This one was handed to a Syrian asylum seeker
arriving in Greece on September the 5th.
It tells him to return for registration
on December the 21st,
and that could be a tricky three-month wait,
because he's not allowed to work in that time.
And yet, that is nothing compared to this form
given to an Iraqi refugee in Turkey
telling him to come back on June 15th of 2017,
which sounds bad before you notice
the pink sticky note added at the bottom
clarifying that his actual date will be February 19th, 2020!
And that is ridiculous.
These people can't go five years without working.
They're refugees, not Renée Zellweger.
And facing that kind of limbo,
it's no wonder refugees want to try to push deeper into Europe,
and many of them are heading
for one surprising country in particular
that seems to actually want them.
Woman: They keep coming, thousands every day,
at the main train station in Munich,
often greeted by applauding locals
or welcoming volunteers.
It's no wonder that Germany is the preferred destination
for so many refugees.
That's right. Amazingly, one of the warmest welcomes
on offer to immigrants comes from Germany,
a country whose idea of a bedtime story
is two children being left to die in the forest
before being nearly cooked and eaten,
and then murdering an old woman.
Sleep well.
Unfortunately, many politicians
in other countries than Germany
have been actively hostile
to anyone even considering settling within their borders.
No way. You will not make the Netherlands home.
Please don't come. It's risky to come.
We can't guarantee that you will be accepted here.
Woman 2: The Danish government has published these ads
in a number of Lebanese newspapers.
The text is obviously written in Arabic,
and it's telling migrants, "Don't come to Denmark,"
highlighting the tough regulations and constraints that await them there.
That's right. Denmark is so adverse to taking people in,
it's basically placing intentionally- missed-connections ads
in other countries.
Perfect! Send.
But even Denmark's approach seems friendly
next to the video apparently produced
by the mayor of Asotthalom in Hungary,
showing exactly how he and his police forces
would prevent migrants from coming to his town.
(speaking foreign language)
(dramatic music playing)
Okay. Okay, a few things there.
First, you can add as much scary music as you want.
There is nothing imposing about one van driving alone on a country road.
The only message that that is sending to migrants is,
"Make sure you wait for that one van to pass by."
And second of all, Mr. Mayor, you do realize
that border police and nightclub bouncers are not the same thing, right?
You look like you're about to throw someone out of Hungary
'cause they didn't bring enough hot girls with them.
And that mayor is no outlier.
Hungary has been responsible for some
of the ugliest mistreatment of refugees in Europe.
Man: Disturbing cell phone video appears to show migrants
at the main refugee camp here being fed
like a herd of caged animals in a holding pen.
Man 2: It's a shocking video
that has garnered attention from around the world.
As waves of desperate migrants
sprint from a holding camp in Hungary,
a camerawoman appears to trip a man
running with his child in his arms.
The woman also kicks other migrants as they run,
including a young girl.
Now, the camerawoman is out of a job.
Oh, I'm sorry. She lost her job?
That's absolutely terrible.
Don't worry. I'm sure she can find a new one on ActualMonster.com.
To be fair, she later apologized, saying...
...which I can only presume means she's a loving,
accepting, children-kicking camerawoman,
because the children-kicking part is not really up for debate anymore.
And even those countries who are offering to take refugees
are sometimes making those offers in the most insultingly selective way.
Man: Slovakians saying that
they're only gonna give asylum to Christians.
They don't want Muslims, uh, migrants
coming into the country-- Muslim asylum seekers--
not least because they haven't got any mosques.
Oh, I'm sorry, Slovakia.
You can't take Muslims in because you don't have any mosques.
You do know you can build those, right?
Mosques don't naturally occur in the wild
due to erosion or particularly devout beavers.
Muslims-- Muslims can live anywhere
that other humans can live.
Muslims are not like dolphins trying
to resettle in Scottsdale, Arizona.
And when refugees are not being excluded on the basis of religion,
they're being accused of being lazy freeloaders.
Just listen to one Polish MEP address the European Parliament.
(speaking foreign language)
Translator: If we abolished all benefits,
then people who don't want to work
and want to live from benefits
wouldn't come to Poland and the rest of Europe.
People who want to work are precious,
however, they are sent back,
and we accept only those who don't want to work.
It's ridiculous policy,
leading to invasion of human trash.
Let us be clear. Human trash.
Human garbage that doesn't want to work.
"Human garbage"?
Those are some pretty strong words
coming from the Polish Six-Flags guy.
And what he said is not just offensive, it's also wrong.
Research has shown that while there is
some small cost in the short term, eventually...
And a working paper published last year
by four economists found that...
Think about that. Adding immigrants makes things better 19 times out of 20.
That's a success rate matched only by bacon and Paul Rudd.
And incidentally, it's just a little hard
to hear these migrants and refugees being called lazy
considering how hard many of them
have worked to reach Europe in the first place.
You really wanna talk about lazy migrants,
I'm a lazy migrant!
I left a country by airplane,
and the only things I was escaping were fog,
public indifference, and an almost certain future
as the Turtle of Prince Harry's entourage.
I didn't want to be Royal Turtle!
(cheers, applause)
And the maddening thing--
the maddening thing here is Europe doesn't even need to do this for good reasons.
It can do it for selfish ones, because as a continent,
it is in dire need of new citizens.
Man: According to the UN,
the average woman needs to have 2.1 children
to maintain the population of a developed country.
But in the European Union, every single country
is below that 2.1 level.
By 2050, some countries like Greece, Portugal, and Germany
will see their populations drop
by double-digit percentages.
according to Pew.
That's true. If Europe doesn't open its doors to more migrants,
this is not the changing face of Europe they should be frightened of.
This is! This one right here!
And look, not every single asylum seeker
is going to be the perfect economic wellspring.
But instead of worrying about
the hypothetical downside of letting these migrants in,
countries should be more worried about the actual downside
of turning them away, if for no other reason
that you might miss out on someone like Noujain,
who seems like she would improve any country that would have her.
Just listen to how she taught herself English.
How did you learn to speak such good English?
At home with my favorite TV show.
What's that? It's "Days of Our Lives,"
with the Sami and E.J. struggle.
Yeah, I love them both.
How can you not want this girl in your country?
She loves "Days of Our Lives"!
She loves it! She loves "Days of Our Lives,"
and specifically, she loves E.J. and Sami.
In fact, even after weeks of total hell,
mortal danger, and inhumane treatment,
Noujain's biggest complaint is that the show actually killed off E.J.
who was her favorite character.
And frankly, she's right to be upset.
E.J. and Sami were magic together.
I mean, yes, you could argue E.J. basically blackmailed Sami into marriage,
then impregnated her, and then worked for Sami's archnemesis, Nicole Walker,
who he then also impregnated,
and then he kidnapped Sami's baby
and made her think it was dead, so Sami shot him in the head.
But you know what? That's the kind of thing couples do.
And besides, they got through all that.
And yes, yes, sure, E.J. did then cheat on Sami before their wedding
with that trollop Abigail Deveraux,
but he still didn't deserve to die from yet another gunshot wound,
even though, yes, it was, at best, reckless
for him to have a secret meeting
with hillbilly drug lord Clyde Weston
in the middle of the fucking woods!
You idiot, E.J.! How could you die?
You and Sami were so close to eternal happiness!
Why, E.J.? Why? Why, E.J.?
My point is-- My point is...
My point is Noujain has been through enough,
and any country would be lucky to have her,
and I know lots of people still have fears--
fears that migrants will bankrupt social systems,
which many studies show does not happen,
fears that migrants might have an ISIS member lurking among them,
which there has been no credible example of.
And no one is saying this is easy, but the fact it's so hard
is not a reason to do less, it's a reason to do more--
from countries expediting their application process
to properly funding the UN High Commission for Refugees,
whose fund for responding to Syrian refugees in neighboring countries
is less than half of where it needs to be,
to simply-- and I know this sounds crazy--
just not kicking them when they're moving around!
And... it's a crazy idea! Just rein your leg in.
And there is actually one final thing
that we thought we could do, and it is admittedly very small,
and it is for just one refugee,
but for Noujain, who was so justifiably saddened
by the death of E.J. from "Days of Our Lives,"
we made some calls, and we have a surprise
that is literally just for you.
*
(doorbell chimes)
No. No way. No, it's not.
It's me. It can't be.
You're trouble.
Oh! It's you! *
(laughs) It's you!
How is that possible? How?
Not even my father would let me die in a pile of dirt.
My sister made sure that I survived the morgue,
and then she flew me to Germany where my father's witch doctors did their work.
Physically, I've been alive for months,
but it took me a long time to be able to get away
from him and his people after my... resurrection.
Oh, I just can't imagine how horrible this was for you.
It was nothing.
Coming back from the dead, that's not hard.
You know what's hard?
Getting from Syria to Germany.
Oh. Have you seen what those migrants are going through?
It's insane. $1,000 to bribe your way onto a rubber dinghy?
And that's how you get across the Mediterranean?
Then, if you make it to the border of Turkey,
they'll hand you a form, offering you
an appointment five years from now.
And then, if you're lucky, you get to navigate a barrage
of bigotry and hatred from some asshole mayors in Hungary.
It's horrible. Someone tripping a child?
If someone did that to my child-- Yeah.
You'd slap 'em twice. Oh. Yeah.
You know, there are some amazing people coming through that border.
I read about this incredible 16-year-old girl
from Kobani called Noujain Mustaffa.
Noujain Mustaffa? Yes, Noujain Mustaffa.
She's our kind of people? She's our kind of people.
(giggles) Maybe you'll get to meet her one day.
Great, but right now, you are not going anywhere, mister.
*
Look...
if we can raise E.J. DiMera from the dead,
surely anything is possible.
That's our show. Our thanks to E.J. and Sami.
We'll see you next week. Good night!
(theme music playing) (cheering)